Shipwreck’s Guide to Understanding Men

Last week Shipwreck just about fell off his chair when he opened his email inbox. In amongst the various spam, love & hate emails was the following -

“Hi Shipwreck,
I would love to meet you. Especially if you are from the gay community.
Hit me back, just to chat, your biggest fan, this is Stan.”

I was thinking of replying with -

“You got some issues Stan, I think you need some counseling
to help your ass from bouncing off the walls when you get down some
And what’s this s**t about us meant to be together?
That type of shit’ll make me not want us to meet each other…”

But that may have been a bit harsh. (For those not familiar with those words, they are the exact lyrics of Eminem’s hit song ‘Stan’)

Apart from feeling a little puckered up from the whole experience of being approached by this homosexual fan, it made me really think about what it is that makes men quite hostile when it comes to gay guys.

Whilst Shipwreck is accepting of most things, reversing a truck into a pole is just not a good idea no matter how good it feels. Call me homophobic, but I just think the world went wrong somewhere along the line when a guy’s interest started wondering from the lovely curvatious figures of women, to the hairy, balding, smelly aromas of men.

Why has the world turned gay?
There are two reasons why the world is occupied with gay people. Can we blame people for them? Well probably not, but certain practicalities apply.

Reason #1: Prisons - There is a direct correlation between the number of handbag thefts, car thefts, bashings, money laundering and drug-related offences & men walking out of the closet, dressed in lycra pink hot-pants. The more these offences occur, the more gay people we end up with in society. So I think the law enforcers of the world should take a new approach - not to stop crime, but lessen the number of gay people in society by stepping up penalties and charges.

Furthermore, courts should be more considerate when sentencing people - “I sentence you to 5 years in prison…and a lifetime of being receptive to gay behaviour when you come out” is effectively what a judge should be saying.  They should consider the social impact of having more gay males in society, and therefore where possible, allocate penalties other than imprisonment.

Reason #2: Boy Bands - Human Nature, Backstreet Boys, NSYNC and Hanson can be blamed for not just pink shirts and blonde tips, but the increasing number of gay men. Why would a boy band call their hit song “I want it that way?” And why would they run with the name ‘Backstreet’ Boys instead of ‘Frontstreet’ Boys?

The music, fashion, and social stereotypes boy bands portray are extremely feminine, and are therefore highly conducive to gay activities. Once you get hooked on their music, you strive to emulate them. You buy their music, their clothes, you sing like them, dance around like them, and next thing you know, you’re extremely feminine actions cause you to take on a feminine mindset, and you become interested in men. Disturbingly simple, yet true.

Why gay relationships just can’t work
Having a father-figure when I was a mini-Shipwreck was extremely important to me, and just as important as my father was, my mother was equally important. Now let’s remove the mother, and give me another father. Here’s what happens:

Problem 1: Which one do I call Dad?

Problem 2: Who can give me a real second opinion?

Fathers, like all men, are there to teach you survival techniques. If you have 2 fathers, you are likely to be built to be mentally robust, but lack a feminine side, no matter how female/gay your fathers may be. Social problems will erupt as a result of this imbalance in the household, and you’ll have to see a guidance councellor to get songs like ‘My Love’, ‘Backstreets Back’ or ‘Stay Another Night’ out of your head.

Where this gay behaviour is all leading
The world is becoming a very small place. Planes get bigger, technology gets more advanced, and Russian brides become cheaper. You can now talk to a Russian bride over your laptop, hands-free, on a wireless connection that you top up from your mobile phone…the same portable phone you use to book and pay for her temporary Visa and one-way flight from Moscow. Unfortunately you’ll need more than a phone and laptop to get her back on the plane when you realise she’s a Thai man in disguise.

Where’s this all leading? It’s leading to a variation on the theme of Shipwreck’s theory of cross-culture reproduction (CCR). I have Aussie friends that can lay claim to being English with a bit of Greek, Italian, Chilean and a hint of South African crossed with Indian in them. They are so culturally diverse in their make-up, that they are effectively now a ‘generic person’ – this is the theory of CCR.

The variation on this theme of CCR is that if enough people become gay, same-sex and opposite-sex relationships will become equally acceptable. In other words, perhaps in 200 years time, your 7 year old son will come home from school with a love letter from his best mate Max, and your 12 year old daughter will have been asked on a date by Lisa. To which your response will be “That’s nice sweety. I hope you have fun.”

What about lesbian relationships?
This is where it gets interesting. Ask 3 guys if they would pay money to watch you kiss your best friend, and I guarantee 2 out of 3 will ask you if they can video tape it too. Masculine men respond instinctively to femininity when it comes to lesbianism – a soft, sensual, sensitive touch.

Men think there is nothing wrong with lesbians, and often encourage it like little boys in a playground playing with lizards – we do what we can to get them in the same tight circle, and then watch like stunned mullets as they begin to interact with each other…as drool gradually creates a mini pool on the ground below. Call us simple minded, but this is what makes us men tick.

BIG HINT here ladies – if you want a guys attention, mention your name, your best friend’s name, chocolate and lingerie in the same sentence, and all you’ll have to say is “Sit boy, sit – there’s a good male”….and you won’t even have to follow through with any of it.

Concluding remarks from a fluoro-green shirted suprisingly non-gay male…
Gay people are not to blame.  They are in fact a lovely, often free-spirited kind of people, a people who have fallen victim to circumstances which have bread abnormality within society.  Like a 50 metre high mobile phone antenna emitting radiation that causes cancer to surrounding homeowners, man-made ways of life have caused this abnormal behaviour to occur.

Understanding gay men is something Shipwreck is sympathetic to but not supportive of.  Could you imagine my new tagline?

“Shipwreck’s Guide to Understanding Gay Men - 
Men, tug on your speedos, toss away your Terminator videos, spank on some lippy, and get ready for a series of useful highly entertaining and inspirational thoughts on what really makes men love _____.  Australia’s very own Shipwreck is bending over backwards just for you!”  

Enough said on this topic for now.
 

***Guess What???***
Only 4 months old, but running HOT - Shipwreck’s Blog will be featured in the Sunday Times Magazine (STM Mag) on this Sunday 9th March 2008 – keep an eye out for it!