Shipwreck’s Guide to Understanding Men

Over Christmas Shipwreck sat down for a beer with two mates and discussed a brilliant idea for this next post. 

At the pub my mate said “I can’t wait til I get a motorcycle because then the ladies will come flocking” (yes, he’d had a bit of a dry patch with the ladies in 2007, but it didn’t matter…his new bike would fix that).  And so the discussion on the ‘Ultimate Sexual Accessories for Males’ evolved.

What makes something a Sexual Accessory?
Trends in taste largely dictate what society likes, and indeed what makes a guy a chick-magnet.  A sexual accessory tends to have the following characteristics:

• it’s “extreme”
• it evokes confidence
• you have to be ‘more than your average male’ to pull it off
• an aspect of $$$ is important (let’s face it, dollars do turn heads…do you think Paris Hilton would be famous if Daddy wasn’t a billionaire?)
• it enhances the ‘bad boy’ image
• it’s generally black
• it promotes masculinity
• it’s a sign of ‘winning’

Let’s focus on this last point, as it sums up the other points nicely.  Females are attracted to guys that are good at what they do.  Their natural instinct is to want to be with the ‘best’ male in a particular area (be it best dressed, wealthiest, most athletic etc.)  This goes back to the hunter & protector idea that Shipwreck has talked about a few times previously.  Here’s how it works:

Going back well before Jesus’ time, men were the hunters and women were the protectors.  Men would provide for their family, whilst women would care for, and nurture the family and husband.  Whilst times have changed somewhat, the underlying principle that women want to be provided for in the best possible way remains unchanged.

Hence, sexual accessories are an indication that a male can provide for the female (because he is somewhat ‘elite’), and females will be more likely to choose an ‘elite’ male over another.

After a number of conversations with friends about this, Shipwreck has come up with the top 7 ultimate sexual accessories for males - toys and trinkets that will get women…hook, line & sinker:

1.  The Black Ute 
A ute is the symbol of macho-manliness.  It is a very Australian thing (simply for the fact that very few utes are produced overseas). Utes only have one passenger seat, so it’s a very convenient suggestion as to who should be sitting there…a chick.  Now, I have four good mates with utes.  One is red, one is purple, and two are black.  Whilst the red and purple may be faster over the quarter mile, the black one’s don’t get picked on for their colour.  Seriously, what male in his right heterosexual mind would choose a purple ute?

2.  A Motorcycle
This is “extreme” at its best.  Again fitting in with the bad-boy image, a motorcycle is proven to be a great way to pull.  Dangerous you may ask?  Yes! - and most girls love it.  As my friend so eloquently put it, there’s only one better time to have a ladies legs wrapped around you when you’re doing 140 on the freeway…and it could be considered as exciting as riding a motorcycle for some.

3.  Designer Sunglasses
Girls notice ‘girly’ accessories, such as sunglasses.  Having a well-fitted designer pair of sunglasses can make a guy stand out from the crowd.  Whether it’s a pair of Top Gun Aviators, or a sleek pair of Prada sunnies, they show a sense of style and confidence about the person wearing them.

4.  A Baby
This completely goes against the logic of Shipwreck’s characteristics of sexual accessories, but hey, men trying to understand female logic is a whole other story.  We all know it, men who are out and about with babies, looking after them, playing with them, and acting like a mother, is an instant pleaser.  Babies are grounds for a common interest (albeit the man may just be borrowing his mates newborn kid to score), and invite women to interact with the man as they are seen effectively as ‘one of them’.  Guys, if you haven’t tried it already, grab your mates 1 year old and take the little dude to the park…you’ll never have had so many women talk to you in an hour before, unless of course you’re a pro speed-dater.

5.  The Bachelor Pad
Free from the interruption of housemates or the uncomfortableness of parents, having a bachelor pad that is clean & nicely decked out is by far one of the most ultimate male sexual accessories.  It is a sign of survival, of provision (the fact that the male can adequately provide for the female), and sometimes of wealth.  Let’s face it, bringing a lady back to a house full of sweaty, flea-ridden university students, or nagging parents just doesn’t cut it.  A bachelor pad is something females will tell their friends about - so get one!

6.  The Latest, Slightly Extreme Shoes
Women love shoes, and if they could have surgery to add an extra 2 feet to them, they would.  Having a pair slightly more pointy, slightly more animal skin-like, or sporting the latest sports label will get noticed by females, and are a sign that you can dress yourself and have good taste.  The ‘latest’ aspect of this again re-enforces the notion that by having the latest footwear, the male is a ‘winner’ and an elite from within the group of males.

7.  A Spa Bath
A spa bath is the easiest excuse to get almost any female half naked, tipsy on champagne, and in your arms within an hour.  Better still, a 10 seater spa leaves room for 9 of them

So there you have it.  Whilst it may not be every guys cup of tea looking after a baby for half a day, driving an impractical two-seater ute that gets dirty easily, or wearing sunglasses that make him look like he’s just walked off the streets of Paris, these are the sexual accessories according to Shipwreck and his mates, and ladies will be on the look out for them.