Shipwreck’s Guide to Understanding Men

Last Friday Shipwreck was graced with the presence of Dana Mathers, owner of ‘Strange Love’.  For those that haven’t heard her radio advertisements, she is Australia’s only specialist ball gown designer (meaning she only designs ball gowns - nothing else). 

‘Strange Love’ is the name of her Perth ball gown shop, where thousands of young girls come and make what seems to be the most important decision of their life - what they’re going to wear to their school ball.  Seriously, it’s a huge amount of fuss for a few hours of fun.

So Shipwreck got talking with Dana about school balls, or formals as they’re more commonly know over east, and the extreme lengths some girls go to for these special events.   Sure, your Year 12 formal may be the highlight of your schooling, but should that be an excuse for Daddy to fork out $3,000 on you?

Most girls already know this, but guys have it easy when it comes to formal events and weddings - suit, spit’n'polish the shoes, a bit of hair wax, and you’re there - out the door in 30 mins max (depending on how important your hair is, and whether or not you’re man enough to have learnt the art of tying your tie).  Ladies on the other hand are stuck with:

• 4 hours at the hairdresser
• 2 hours getting their nails done
• 30 minutes for a spray tan
• 3 months researching what they’re going to wear
• 1 month looking for the perfect pair of shoes
• 45 minutes doing their make-up
• 1 week of gossiping about their date to their friends
• The rest of their life regretting taking a bloke that got smashed on free drinks, embarrased them, and then hooked up with their best friend

Well this isn’t always the case of course, but we all know someone who’s been in a similar situation.

When it comes to formal events, weddings, balls, or anything that a lady might take hours to get ready for, their partner is really classed as a sexual accessory (something I mentioned in my last article).  Basically, your male partner is there to:

a) look good
b) prove that you can actually get a good looking guy - (let’s face it ladies, if you’re single, your first choice is generally the hottest guy you know…if you’re attached, you’ll be wishing you could trade your partner in on the hottest guy you know)
c) pull your seat out and open doors for you (if he’s a good boy and remembers)
d) have something to take home, apart from leftover cake

Guys are simple creatures, and we are quite happy to do all of the above, particularly if it is an important night for you.  However, there are a few simple lessons that Shipwreck has learnt after many school balls, formals, cocktail parties, business luncheons and charity dinners.  Shipwreck’s Rules for Taking Guys to Formal Events & Weddings apply where the female has a social function that is important to her, and requires hours of her preparation. 

The rules are -

Rule #1: Get Ready By Yourself
Guys don’t want to hear you saying “Help! I can’t find my curlers” or “Oh my God - the dress doesn’t fit me anymore” or “&%#@ I just broke a nail” or “Honey, can you get me the sewing kit” or “Look at me - I look like a witch” or “I’m going to kill my hairdresser” (Shipwreck’s heard that last one a few times now). 

What we do want to see is the finished product.  Regardless of how diabolical you think you may look, any girl that spends a full day getting ready for an event will look stunning.  Us guys really do appreciate the time that you’ve taken, the stress you’ve gone through, the money you’ve burned, the number of times you’ve had to re-do your makeup, and the 3 month diet you went on prior to the event. 

Let’s use a nice new shiny silver Porsche as an example…

Guys know and accept that there’s been a lot of time put into the production of the car.  We know that tears may have been shed in the design and manufacturing, but we really don’t want to experience the full production process, and we really don’t sympathise over this either - it’s just the way it is.  What we care about is the finished product - a shiny new silver Porsche on the showroom floor, looking a million bucks.

Rule #2: Lay Down The ’Boy-Time’ Rules 
‘Boy-time’ is that fantastic, exciting, freeing moment at a formal event, where a guy starts walking alone towards another group of guys to mingle.  All these other guys have just done the same thing, and a flock of guys suddenly forms.  Comments such as “Phew, I’ve finally got away” or “Cummon Johnno, why have you still got your top button done up for” start being thrown around.  Essentially, we’re like young boys who have just been taken out of the pram by Mummy, and can now run towards the playground equipment to unwind and play.

This ‘boy-time’ needs to be made clear the moment you walk in the door with your guy.  You must say to him - “Sweetie pie, if you wouldn’t mind I’d like to introduce you to a few people before we settle in for the evening” (be specific with the names of who they are), and then say “Once that’s over you can go and hang with the boys while I have a chat with my girlfriends”.  He then knows the rules.

An added bonus of laying down the ‘boy-time’ rules, is that it reduces the likelihood of any embarrassment which may occur after he hits the bar and thinks he’s a camel.  Also, you can expect most jackets, ties and rolled-down sleeves to have vanished on any young male after the first half hour of being there - ladies, learn to live with it, it’s just not cool to keep totally dressed up all night (plus it adds to the ‘bad boy’ image).

Rule #3: Don’t Criticise Us For Feeling You Up On The Dancefloor
This is something that can’t be avoided, so don’t criticise us for it - consider yourself lucky.  If our mate is within clear gawking distance of your bum, we’re gonna squeeze it.  Get used to it.  If we’ve got the opportunity to show a bit more leg than what you’re showing already, we’re gonna show it.  If you get narky, your night’s ruined, not ours - we’re heroes in the eyes of our mates - it’s as simple as that.

Rule #4:  Come and Say Hi When We’re With Our Mates
Picture this - you’ve just taken your guy into the Grand Ballroom, introduced him to all the important people in your life, told them all how wonderful your date is, and now you’ve got maximum brownie points with all your colleagues and girlfriends. 

It’s payback time.  Apart from the occassional wink or wave from across the ballroom, we need you to come over and say hi when we are standing amongst our group of mates.  It’s a bit like saying “Check out my new Porsche guys…hot isn’t it”.  Don’t hold back, and look sexy - after all, you’ve spent the whole day dolling yourself up - time to flaunt it and make your date proud.

Rule #5: Keep Your Cool
As mentioned above, if you don’t keep your cool it can be a) very embarrassing for your man, and b) extremely embarrassing for yourself.  Remember that your man is here as your guest. 

If for whatever reason you become visibly agitated or annoyed either at him or someone else, don’t make it obvious.  If you do, other people may think your partner has done something wrong, or if it is his fault and you storm off, your date is left alone like a sitting duck.  If he is left there alone by himself, the first person to ask him “what’s wrong” will be one of your friends or colleagues, and they will be given the male version of the story - thus, leaving you looking bad.  Worse still, it will probably be a close friend of yours who ends up feeling sorry for him, and ends up bagging, tagging and gagging him that night.

And there you have five of the best pieces of advice Shipwreck can give to making your school ball, wedding, or special function a less stressful, more enjoyable event for you or your partner.

If you are after some sexy ball dresses or formal dresses in Perth, don’t forget to check out Dana Mather’s website www.DanaMathers.com.au or visit her shop ‘Strange Love’ in Perth City.  Remember to tell her you’re a reader of Shipwreck’s Blog and she’ll look after you well.