Shipwreck’s Guide to Understanding Men

Shipwreck’s back on planet earth after a fantastic jam-packed 3 days in Melbourne. Never before have I seen so many skinny guys in my life - eat a hamburger for God’s sake!

Anyway, the other day I received a great question from a reader in the US. Miss A writes -“So do guys get turned on/off by girls who are drunk/drink a lot/smoke/do some kind of party drug/party a lot/other stuff that has to do with like partying.” - Miss A, USA.

I’m sure many of you are curious about this one. Shipwreck has seen them all and believe me, most people will find that regardless of what the person does, if you’re attracted to them, you just can’t help yourself.

Here’s a couple of typical personalities that can emerge when mixing with the opposite sex:

The ‘Bad Boy’ Sharon

Face it girls, you all love a bad boy. I can’t think of a single female that wouldn’t put their life on hold for a chance with Ben Cousins (for those not in Australia, this guy is one of our best football players, and he’s been caught up in the party scene, taking drugs, being caught by the cops on numerous occassions - and also escapes from them - and tattooed on his chest is the phrase “Such Is Life”…you get the picture).

Females are attracted to this kind of character because it is in their nature - they have a natural progression towards males that dominate other males, as they are considered to be the best ’survivors/protectors’ for the female. Females that portray this ‘bad boy’ image however are less likely to succeed in attracting males. Most males migrate themselves towards a ‘bad boy’ (as they know this is what females seek), and in return expect nice, innocent babes to come flocking. If they see a ‘bad boy’ chick, unless they’ve only just hit puberty, they will most likely see them as competition and avoid them.

The Air-Head Party Sharon

Whether this kind of chick is high on life or high on drugs, she can sometimes be quite a handful. She may grab the attention of plenty of guys, but the ‘free spirited’ nature of this female can turn guys off. The number one thing guys are scared of in a relationship is for their partner to be unfaithful (and vica versa), therefore a female that doesn’t appear to be bothered with reality, commitment or loyalty can be a turn-off for guys.

Depending on what kind of crowd you hang around, an Air-Head Party Sharon should typically either stick with a) a group of snobby girls, or b) a bunch of hippies - either way they will be allowed to get away with anything. Their care free nature (which can be great) is unlikely to be a turn-on to guys wanting more than a friendship. However, I must say that these kinds of females can be some of the greatest and most entertaining friends you will ever have - never a dull moment!

The Chimney Sharon

Santa Claus makes big sacrifices for all us kids (big & small) every year (I’d like to add he is 100% real - I saw him with my own eyes in my living room when I was 6 - don’t knock it). He and Mrs Claus happily make love 363 days a year. Why not 365 you ask?

Because 1 day a year he is delivering presents, and the other day he stinks of smoke, soot & tar and Mrs Claus aint going anywhere near him. If she was to lighten Santa’s load (we’re talking presents here children), and pack some stockings herself, she too would stink of smoke and they might get along ok.

Certainly smoking isn’t something we can easily ignore in society, especially in Europe (where smoking is still more popular than MySpace and Facebook), but if you’re wanting to attract a non-smoker, I would highly recommend butting out yourself.

The 2-Champagne-Sharon

Some guys (the decent ones at least), are interested in conversation. If your conversation ability expires after your second glass of bubbles, so will your chances of getting anywhere with a male. Females that drink a lot can indeed be a lot of fun, but the line is crossed where they go from being someone that’s funny to be with, to someone that’s being laughed at because of their drunken behaviour. (yes, that is Jessica Simpson on the left…trashed!)

The 2-Champagne-Sharon is generally not a turn-on to guys, and I will even go as far as to say that it can attract males with bad intentions. Shipwreck is a firm believer that if it takes alcohol to bring people together, then they may as well get married in a bottle of Jim Barry (the finest red-ned available in the world). Whilst alcohol can be used to ‘grease’ the relationship so to speak, getting to know and like someone without the effect of a pile of drinks is a much better way to go.

What about nerves? Having a few drinks does make things easier on dates and other occassions which may make you nervous, but try and keep it to a minimum - the more you drink, the less you can control what you’re doing, the hotter he is going to look, and BAM - next thing you know, you’ve woken up next to a guy that in the mood lighting at the restaurant looked like Johnny Depp, but in fact looks like Elton John.

As I mentioned before, being able to have some self-control is attractive to a guy. It’s not to say you should hold yourself back from being your bright, bubbly self, but certainly don’t go over the top as you can make yourself look like a fool.

I’ll finish on a funny story…

A close female friend of mine had a big crush on a certain other friend of mine. She asked me repeatedly throughout the night if I could do anything to persuade him to be interested in her. Good on her for asking me…there’s no harm in trying. Anyway…as the night wore on and so did the drinks, we all left.

Being a member of the 2-Champagne-Sharon club didn’t help her one bit. She tripped on the curb, fell over infront of a big group of people, and the guy that she was interested in and his best mate started throwing coins at her. Yes, it was just a joke (not very nice if you were in her shoes of course), but we are all close enough friends that there were no hard feelings. The guys still refer to it as one of the funniest events of 2007, but unfortunately her chances with my friend went right out the window.

The moral of the story? If you fall over when you’re drunk…keep your purse open