Dealing with Ex’s - What to do & What NOT to do
» By Shipwreck - Nov 7th, 2007
This can be a VERY touchy subject. The vast majority of people have at least one ex, and they can interfere terribly in your love life whether or not they intend on doing it.
Let’s have a look at a couple of common types of ex -
The Crazy Ex
These ex’s are quite funny. Ever received a text message the length of a book? Ever had someone calling to you outside your window at night? How about trashing your house? Threatening to commit suicide perhaps? Well these ex’s all come in one common variety - crazy.
The crazy ex is generally one who was hurt so badly by you (for whatever reason) that they can’t stand to be apart from you. It’s hard for them, and they often don’t become ‘normal’ for quite some time. If you have a crazy ex that still isn’t over you, show that you care about them but encourage them to move on. They will continue to want to be with you, but look for a sense of collectively moving on…they may find some hope in this. Even if you say you’ll remain friends but limit your contact can be a good way of separating this person away from you.
The ‘nemesis’ (aka - the one you never quite got over)
This ex can wreak havoc on an existing relationship. The nemesis is normally the one that broke up with you. I have seen guys completely succumb to the supposed ‘power’ of this ex because they never quite got over this person leaving them.
I give you 2 potential solutions in relation to the nemesis - either keep them out of your life completely (no contact, do not hang out where they do, do not speak to anyone associated with them), or do your best to get back with them until you are satisfied that you do not want this person. You may find the latter piece advice somewhat revengeful, but it may be the best solution if this person truly eats up your emotions. If you are in a relationship or considering going into a relationship, make sure you satisfy yourself first before committing any further that you will not let this person get in the way of your feelings for another.
Your Best Friend’s Ex
This is one of the most tempting and dangerous ex’s to get involved with. From a guys perspective, this girl should be out of bounds. However, the temptation is often so great because of friendship circles and comfort that it is often unavoidable. This can look bad on the girls behalf particularly as guys tend to stick together stronger than girls.
As a rule, if you are ‘the ex’ and you think your ex-partner’s friend is easy pickings, think about how it might affect your ex’s friendship group. Having said this, I do know of situations where this has worked out in the past….just be careful….ask yourself - “Is it love? or is it lust?”
The Ex That Wants You Back
We all love to feel wanted, but this can lead to dissatisfaction in a relationship. I often see it with females - many crave attention, and if you don’t give it to them they just crave it more. When you do end up going back to them, things return to their troublesome norm, and you break up again. It’s not to say that it isn’t worth working things out with your ex…make sure you do try this, after all you were attracted to that person for a reason. If you are sure you do not want to be with that person, do this person a favour by keeping right out of their life.
I was in a relationship for nearly 3 years and after splitting up with this person they would do almost anything to be a part of my life - invite me to things, ask me to join special interest groups with her, ask about non-relationship related things in an attempt to suck me back in. The best thing I could do for this person, whom I truly did fall out of love with, was to cut communication with her. It was for the best.
Shipwreck’s Golden ‘Ex’ Rule
Above all, I maintain a very strong rule in my life regarding ex’s. They can cause much emotional disturbance and place unnecessary stress on relationships, so my rule is:
“Once you’ve split up with your ex for good, keep out of each other’s lives…it’s not fair on you and your new/current partner otherwise.”
I’ve stuck by that rule very closely…doing some was easier with some ex’s rather than others, but it allows me to enjoy a happy, hassle-free relationship with my current partner.
If you’ve got any types of ex’s you’d like add to this list send me your comments below…I’d love to hear about them!
Category: dealing with ex's, how to please your partner, relationship advice, relationship troubles
Just an opinion from a nice guy (to any of the girls listening):
It makes a guy feel so secure to know that his girlfriend isn’t off flirting with other guys we’ve never heard of.
We don’t care if you talk to other guys. We don’t care if you’re friends with other guys.
But when you’re sitting next to us and some random guy walks into the room and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, it pisses us off.
It doesn’t help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we’re still there.
When we tell you you’re pretty, beautiful, gorgeous, cute, stunning, we freaking mean it. Don’t tell us we’re wrong or we’ll stop trying to convince you.
The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence. Yeah, you can quote me.
Don’t be mad when we hold the door open. Smile and say “thank you”
LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON’T “FEEL BAD”.
We enjoy doing it. It’s expected. Smile and say everybody together now “thank you”
Kiss us when no one’s watching. If you kiss us when you know nobody’s looking we’ll be more impressed.
You don’t have to get dressed up for us. If we’re going out with you in the first place you don’t have to feel the need to wear the shortest skirt you have put on every kind of makeup you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are
Honestly i think a girl looks more beautiful when she’s just in her pj’s, not all dolled up.
Don’t flirt with guys when were not with you. We have eyes everywhere and when we find out we’re pissed. Not necessarily with the guys you flirted with more so with YOU.
Don’t take everything we say seriously. Sarcasm is a beautiful thing See the beauty in it. Don’t get angry easily
Whatever happened to the word “handsome”/beautiful” I’d be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with “Hey handsome” Instead of “Hey baby/stud/cutie/sexy” or whatever else you can think of, on the other hand i’m not saying I wouldn’t like it ether
Girls, I cannot stress this enough….
IF YOU AREN’T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON’T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE.
DITCH HIS SORRY DISGRACE TO THE MALE POPULATION ASS AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT.
Someone who will honor your morals;
Someone who will make you smile when you’re at your lowest;
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Give the nice guys a chance.
Hey bro
You forgot to mention the “Stalker Ex”.
This is the one that just happens to rock up at the pub you go to on a regular basis, or drives by your house just to see if anyones home whilst also checking to see if you have visitors!
It’s the stalker ex that is the one who somehow magically gets your new partners mobile number and sends abusive texts at all hours! trying to undermine any deceny your new partner thinks you have!!!
Whats the shipwrecks angle on that one?? cos we all have had one in our life!!!! if not two in the case of the stu!!
he he… no just you disco stu!!! unless were just not aware of it
I do agree with all the comments tho.. although I do want to comment it IS possible to have a friendship with the ex: that is after a certain cooling off phase of course and as long as drunken temptation (or lonley desperation) never gets in the way.. self discipline being the key issue! ex: friends= yes, otherwise= hand’s off!!! (unless you really really really intend on being with us again!) but nevertheless it is possible!- but agreed it is rare!
just playing the devil’s avocado
salut- gg in pariee
As the saying goes you can’t have your cake and eat it too, guys may think they can have a friendship with us after it’s over but when it’s over, it’s over, especially if they are the ones to pull the plug. So i agree with you Shipwreck, once you have parted ways it’s best to keep out of eachothers lives.
Girls need to learn to only give guys one chance, if the guy fucks that up then move on, cause if they couldn’t treat you right to begin with, they probably never will.
i would have to disagree with your ex’s comments (not rule) i think people should be able to get along after a break up, whats wrong with loving everyone and what happens if the ex is friends with the group ?
Hi Cheeky!
Great question. I’ve had some feedback from someone in Paris regarding people getting along after a break-up. She seems to think that it is acceptable after a period of time, which naturally shouldn’t be a problem. I still think however it can cause some tension, though it can be bareable.
If the ex is friends with the group then it’s a difficult situation…my reaction is as you say “loving everyone”, and all getting along. It will either work out fine, or it will reach a crucial point after which the friendships will split. It just has to be carefully managed and the feelings of others considered.
The main thing the article stresses is that whilst getting along with your ex can be possible, it really isn’t fair on your new partner or their new partner. It can be hard, but just do what you think is best at the time.
Keep the comments/questions coming!
Shipwreck xx
A little tip for all the guys out there who have broken up with someone and regreted it,hurt a loved one and regreted it, let someone down and regreted it.
You make choices in life, some good, some bad, but most of all you learn from your mistakes. If you have done any of the above, which most of us have, take a look at yourself and think about what you could have done differently.
A lot of the time girls get hurt because they have faith, faith that they will be treated right, faith that not every guy is an ass and yet time after time we just keep getting dissapointed.
So for every guy who is reading this, next time you think about hurting someone, someone who actually gives a dam about you and that you give a dam about back, think twice, cause once you hurt her, there is a good chance she will walk away. So not only do you loose their faith in you as a person, you loose there friendship.
Always be true to yourself and think carefully. If there is an ex that you still care about, maybe you need to ask yourself why you let that person go in the first place…. It’s all about choices and sometimes you just can’t have that second chance.
I also do not agree with the ex thing. My ex and I were together for 4 years 13 years ago. It took a good year for me to get over hurting, but we stayed friends and have been business partners for over 7 years. I have had this man in my life for 20 years. I have been married for 4 1/2 years, to another person, who knew about our situation from the beginning….
Being friends with your ex is a load of bull#&*$!!
if you were truly in love with someone and they ripped your heart out and stomped all over it, why would you want to be friends with them??? the answer is that you wouldnt. you wouldnt want to be anywhere near the lying/cheating/heartbreaking #&*$head.
if you love someone then you dont go round intentionally trying to hurt them. if you are lucky enough to find someone you love and who loves you back then hold onto them for dear life. coz in this day and age a loving relationship is really hard to come by.
stay away from scabby ex’s. remember…they’re your ex for a reason and anytime you think of them just remember that. and for god’s sakes dont constantly bring them up in conversation with or around yor new partner. there is nothing more frustrating to someone who’s falling for you than to hear about your ex every 5min.
and one last thing if i may…avoid the age old question of “so how many people have you slept with?”. it none of your business and it will cause stress. whoever’s slept with more will be perceived as a slut/manwhore and the other will be left feeling jealous/inadequate. so just avoid that question.
thats all i got right now. what do you think shipwreck?